Since I was very young…

I’ve felt the most important gift you can give someone was your love. As I’ve matured and have become victim to rejection and defeat part of that notion became much more abstract to me. Was love a gift you could give someone? Does just saying you love someone the same as knowing you love someone? How do you know? This was something that confused me and and tormented me, even to the point of paranoia that I was taking people and relationships for granted (I suppose I still am to an extent) but I think it comes down to acceptance. If you just accept you love someone you don’t have an excuse to hate them. In the pain and bitterness of my rejection my mind reasoned that since I could not love someone with all my heart, I could at least hate them with it instead. My emotions were so strong that I simply could not be satisfied with doing nothing - I had to transfer those emotions negatively toward the person who did not accept my love.

You must accept that you love someone, better yet, you must accept that you just love. Then you can hate, or feel angry, but let it subside and know that you only feel this way because you care so much. All sadness and hatred stems from love. When we are deprived love we lash out or submit to failure and depression. That is why love is the greatest gift you can give someone and why you must always keep it their on reserve for someone because you never know when they may need it some day. They may not need your love now, but they will certainly never require you wrath.

Creatures of Paradox — a poem

Just as how
I want to blame you
and the way I feel for you:
tingly,
annoyed,
endeared —
so your desire shall steer
you to places dark
and frightening
against the will of your
conscience.

As rational as
your human mind can be
the emotions are what
screw your brain over
and make us feel
angry
and in love
at once.

Yes men are
paradoxes
walking upright
on this earth
looking for purpose
and finding none.

From once we can stand
on both hankering legs
we set out
on futile odysseys
in search of fulfillment
to seek and destroy
the languishing feeling of
remorse, yearning,
the infernal burning
that lays deep in our hearts
crying out for…
what?

Someone.

Something.

But the wind will reply nothing.

And yet they would follow it aimlessly
believing they are walking
a destined course
laid out by
The Fates
when inside
their hearts they know
the zephyrs
are really random and terrific storms
raging not only upon the flesh
but in their chests.

The scorching winds
blind their knowing eyes
and even the greatest minds
are marred by misunderstanding,
misgiving,
temptation
lies.

The trick is not to seek
but rather make
a path,
to cut one.
Learn from the mistake
do not partake
in it a second time.

And to you
as to why
each choice you make
seems wrong
the answer…
may seem bitter.

Do you still want to hear?
then come nearer.
Listen close.
You can hear it —
feel it
in you
if you listen and wait long
and hard enough.

For those that would choose love
and choose again
only to fall —
they are blessed
and have done no wrong
I say let them love on
— but for those who choose the same love
twice,
thrice
and fall and fail
to conquer confusion
to eek understanding
from a distorted soul
time and again,
then those are as repellents
no matter the attraction,
or infatuation.
Those souls are
beyond understanding…

two magnets forced
into amalgam
must inevitably
fall back
and away.

But I suppose
the hope lies in the idea
that eventually someone shall
soothe the storms
that rage around us
quell the rain clouds
above our heads—
will click and stick,
and we shall see ourselves
in them
and they shall look back at us
as pellucid mirrors
into their own eyes
and both then realize
where the truth
doth lie.