Since I was very young…

I’ve felt the most important gift you can give someone was your love. As I’ve matured and have become victim to rejection and defeat part of that notion became much more abstract to me. Was love a gift you could give someone? Does just saying you love someone the same as knowing you love someone? How do you know? This was something that confused me and and tormented me, even to the point of paranoia that I was taking people and relationships for granted (I suppose I still am to an extent) but I think it comes down to acceptance. If you just accept you love someone you don’t have an excuse to hate them. In the pain and bitterness of my rejection my mind reasoned that since I could not love someone with all my heart, I could at least hate them with it instead. My emotions were so strong that I simply could not be satisfied with doing nothing - I had to transfer those emotions negatively toward the person who did not accept my love.

You must accept that you love someone, better yet, you must accept that you just love. Then you can hate, or feel angry, but let it subside and know that you only feel this way because you care so much. All sadness and hatred stems from love. When we are deprived love we lash out or submit to failure and depression. That is why love is the greatest gift you can give someone and why you must always keep it their on reserve for someone because you never know when they may need it some day. They may not need your love now, but they will certainly never require you wrath.

A Meditation on Love

As much as I seem like a misanthropic loner on here at times — I’m actually a very loving person. WHAT!? YOU DON”T BELIEVE ME!?!?!? …I kid.


So when it comes to love I have to admit I’m quite old-fashioned - yet a history of rejection and bittersweet relationships has also left me somewhat jaded towards the idea of being in a relationship with someone. That’s not to say I don’t want one, of course I do, but I’m a bit more hesitant of chasing after a woman these days. Love is a lot of work. I’m perfectly content with just going with the flow and seeing what falls into my lap (innuendo much?) for the moment.

The way I think of love is like this: Love is a loyalty. In it you give up a part of your own freedom to accommodate the needs and feelings of someone else. And that goes both ways. It’s very much a contract of trust, and that is likely why we have institutions such as marriage, and relationship status’ on facebook.

I’m very much conflicted you see, because I’d love to have someone to trust and to be loyal too, but at the same time I also value my own independence and lack of responsibility or commitment that comes with it. Finding someone who energizes you and makes you want to be responsible and caring is a very great gift indeed.

What do I say on First Hellos?

I don’t usually. If I do, 40% of the time I generally want to get to know you. The other 60% is out of courtesy. It’s tough to meet new people when you realize that there is a large percent of the population who willingly subject themselves to Ke$ha’s voice (side-note: God help you if I say hello to you and find out you listen to Ke$ha). It’s not so much I’m a shy or reserved person - it’s more to do with my own laziness. I just don’t care, you see. I don’t really want to meet you. Chances are you’re personality is as disappointing and ugly as I imagine it to be. However I’m sure since the bar is set so low for me, that I’d likely be pleasantly surprised if I were to apply myself and try and create some sort of bond.

That’s for people in general.

If you’re a girl (correction: if you’re a HOT girl) I probably won’t say hi to you because my method for picking up women is as follows:

1. Act as uninterested and inconspicuous as possible.

2. Stare, but avoid eye-contact.

3. Talk only when spoken to.

Notice how talking is at the bottom of the list. To be truthful it is mostly just out of shyness, and I have a bit of problem with rejection so I try not to do anything that might suggest I’m trying to get with a girl. That includes things like saying hello.

Boy, this post just turned into one big depress fest. It’s equally depressing because college is all about first hello’s and that’s always been one of my greatest weaknesses I suppose. Especially on such a large campus. That’s why I’ve been considering transferring to a smaller college - but then I’d still not know anyone and we’d be back to square one, now wouldn’t we?


So I still haven’t answered the question I guess. What do I say when I DO say hello to someone the first time? Are you ready for this? Do we need a drum-roll?

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…

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“Hi, my name’s Stefan.”

Mind-blowing, I know. But see with this we already have a whole slew of problems. This is because then I have to explain that my name indeed contains an “F” and not a “PH” - I mean we are getting to know each other here right?  And then how about my last name? Is that too much information - or when should I tell someone what my last name is?

Thankfully we have Facebook to answer these questions for us these days. But even then just Facebooking someone and friending them after only meeting them once can have pitfalls all it’s own. The point being: you cannot grasp who a person will be or who they are just by first hellos. You may not truly know someone your whole life, and great understanding and respect for people come with years of knowing each other.

I think that is why first hello’s seem so arbitrary to me. So what if I get to know you? That takes work and I’ll live without knowing who you are anyways, won’t I? Either way there’s a good chance we may never interact again because we’re both lazy.

In a perfect world everyone makes friends and they all live happily ever after, but the world isn’t perfect and frankly we’re all too self-absorbed to really want to make new friends. That is my earnest opinion. I’d like to make new friends, but I’d really rather make GOOD friends.